Family Day

The husband
weighs 4 grams

the wife
weighs 400 pounds

their child
drinks iced coffee

the one today
happened to be Hispanic

but you

and I

have seen them all

we’ve seen them
in Dairy Queen

we’ve seen them at the Loews Cineplex
talking over Lilo and Stitch

we’ve seen them
opening email
because they were told
they should open it
in the title

the one today
was Hispanic

but you and I

have seen them all

the wife wore a cross
between a blouse a mumu and a garbage bag

the husband looked dejected

I told her
her child couldn’t bring his coffee
into the theatre

after 3 times
she finally acknowledged me
with an:
“I heard you!”

they took it in anyway

they always do

It’s Family Day

at the Museum of Science and Industry

the one today
was Hispanic

but you and I
have seen them all

in Mexico
Prague
South Africa
Saskatchewan

all the colors of the rainbow

all over the world

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Day Job

Drinking cheap faux-Cuban coffee
trying to stay awake for my new job
at the Museum of Science and Industry

I’m overdrawn $90 on my bank account
which for a poet
is pretty good

There’s a private hell on every face on the train at 7 a.m.
single Latina mothers on their way to the Cinnabon stand
lonely old men with permanent hard-ons leaving the peepshow
day runners with giant headphones listening to Herbie Hancock
or Carlos Santana or books on tape and me going to my first day
at the museum and all we know is that we all hate this

They’ll show me how to take tickets today
while families share popsicles quickly
and dads line their baby carriages up
in neat rows and when the last weird European with a backpack
makes his way into the 3:45 showing of Dinos Alive!
I’ll try to figure it out for us

if you try to
while the fat kid brings his danish back
or the microchip company bottoms out
or you unsuccessfully try for sleep
another night of mopping up sperm

and we’ll meet back on the train tomorrow
at 7 a.m.
silently exchanging notes

like a book club
that can’t escape
the worst novel ever written

like a study group
without funds

Tomorrow
they’re going to show me how to operate the flight simulator

and if there’s time
make announcements

and I’ll nod
and smile my way
right past zero

until I make rent

if you try to
while the war veteran complains about his cruller
or the microchip company gets bought out by another microchip company
or you get two hours of sweaty sleep
blown out pussies and dicks in your dreams

but hey

it’s a living

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

New Employee Orientation or How I Came to Hate the Name Heather

The meeting for new employees was in the Columbian Room of the Museum of Science and Industry

A sexless conference area that would make the perfect place for a clerk or receptionists suicide

Tapioca walls and a dirty brown floral carpet

There was coffee and it counted as work
so even after staying up all night drinking Evan Williams
and watching a Chapelle’s Show marathon I went

I was the only one from the Omnimax theatre section of the museum
my usual crowd of cynical college kids and single moms and dads that had it tough but still smiled

The crowd for the orientation was comprised almost entirely of members of the facilitators section which meant they were all bad actors and closet-sized theatre directors that needed a day job

There is nothing worse on this planet than being hung-over and stuck in a conference room full of actors

The overflamboyant noise did not mix well with the sterile atmosphere and it made my headache worse

The speakers took turns talking about payroll and fire-exit safety as if the Gods were listening

after four hours of presentations
it was time for the scavenger hunt

we divided up into groups and were all given packets with 25 fill-in-the-blank questions dealing with the museum exhibits

First one back with all the questions answered got a food voucher good for one cafeteria meal

As my group walked by the El exhibit I had visions of throwing myself on the tracks and being run over by a ghost train

Two women led the group

one was a petite blonde very pretty with a gorgeous ass that looked like it never saw the mattress as she slept and was methodically paraffin waxed every morning

she had short hair and ran ahead with the other girl
an obnoxious redhead who you could tell took everything about acting seriously except the talent part and had visions of that room temperature spaghetti already in her head

I suspected the blonde was just feigning interest as an excuse to stay ahead of the rest of the group as she was creeped out (and rightfully so) by the haggard looking Jew with a five o’ clock shadow the quiet fat guy and the effeminate black guy in a lab coat following her

the ladies shouted out the answers and I pretended to write them down
not wanting to be blamed for costing us our cafeteria coupons

When we returned we had lost by a long shot
and as the actors talked I played cell-phone poker

six hours later and we were barely half-way through the presenters

I got up to go to the washroom and when I came back I could hear maniacal laughter and crying as I approached the conference room door

I opened the door
and it was group activity w/ Heather
Heather was the kind of person that assumed talking loud and being overzealous passed as entertainment simply because it worked on people that went to see Indiana rowboat shows and took their kids to the Dells

while everyone was in a circle role-playing I inched over to the table where I hung my head and tried to remain unnoticed

then Heather led the gang back to the table where she pointed at a screen and yelled some more

after a few minutes of Heather’s blonde amphetamine frenzy she asked everyone to get back up and move back into a circle

one kid finally snapped and threw his glasses against the table

three others moaned

this was more than seven hours later
I had had enough

I asked the HR person leading the group and who’d had enough too if I could go I had a train to catch

he instantly knew that I was full of shit smiled and said yes you can

I hiked out of the conference room and up the stairs
Heather being Heather echoing in the distance

on my way to the train stop I saw the same old disheveled and hunch-backed homeless black guy I see on Cornell and 57th everyday

he looked like he wasn’t getting any change

we would both need some hair of the dog that night

© 2008 Lee Kitzis