For Erik and Courtney

I once called you the worst Buddhist ever

and I meant it
in the best possible way

it’s Thanksgiving
and I’m working

surrounded by weird Europeans Koreans the suicidal
Gary, Indiana’s finest drive-in accidents in Wal-Mart jeans

thinking of your limitless compassion

and being thankful for that

and Courtney’s limitless patience

which you should be thankful for

because there are not many girls

that would see a 6-ft-6 Danish Buddhist

w/ nothing on
but a dirty bathrobe
and a beer in hand

and stick around

but w/ Jesus in her heart
and a couple screwdrivers
she did

for 3 years

and then she married you

so this Thanksgiving

I say hallelujah for you Courtney

and hallelujah for you Erik

and hallelujah for you Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Todd
whatever your name is

you work in mysterious ways

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Fuck Santa Claus, I Want Some Latkes (Hanukkah Poem for My Family)

An SUV pulls up
there’s a giant menorah on top
five Orthodox Jews get out

they pile into the abandoned bus stop
and pull out cigarettes

they smoke
in their yarmulkes
and probably aren’t talking Torah

it is the third day of Hanukkah

this is the best gift I could get

and the best gift I could give

as Santa Claus farts in the wind

and the snow melts

as families sing songs
about god and struggle and joy

and Atheists order Chinese food
and play internet poker

I say a small silent amen

for you

for chain-smoking Jews

for all eight days

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Alone in a Conference Room on a Sunday Afternoon

I spilled ramen on my lap

Hung over and too tired to do anything about it
I looked at it

It looked like someone blew their brains out
all over my khakis

Then I looked up

There was no god there to tell me why

Just a cheap cardboard ceiling

and 4 hours left on the clock

it was a quiet
little suicide

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Holding Clipboards, Holding my Farts in

Day after Thanksgiving
and they've got me in the museum membership line

The membership levels are separated into degrees:

Associate's, Bachelor's, Master's, Doctorate

Asshole, bigger asshole, mega asshole, old money

I have my back to the wall
so no one can see the hole in my pants

I'm a jr. asshole

The skeletal remains of midwestern housewives and men of god
validating their parking

The weight of the world

as I let one go

it escapes through the black hole in my pants

and into the science of things

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Real Facts

They’ve stocked the break room
with old issues of fashion and tabloid magazines

so lunchtime consisted of rice and this

oh and also some Snapple

“Snapple Real Fact: Giraffes have no vocal chords”

Another real fact is that if I hear this Dave Matthews Band
soundtrack to this water conservation movie one more time
I’m going to paper-cut my eyeball with this June 2007 Glamour

All the models are wearing glasses
lips parted and looking to the right

as Dave Matthews pumps out another faux-ballad
I think of them simultaneously shitting
in the woods in the exact same pose

and they say fashion isn’t an art

another real fact is that I have to
operate the flight simulators in 15 minutes

also my boss can’t spell

Right now
there are more fat people in museums
than Sandusky, Ohio

also lunchtime is over

that’s a real fact too

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Dance of Love

While the movie plays
I draw pictures of stick figures fighting each other

the narrator talks about sturgeon
w/ the energy of a disinterested grandfather
reading his grandson a bedtime story

Stick figure number two does a quick leg sweep
to stick figure number one

stick figure number one flips back to his feet
and responds with a roundhouse that misses

sturgeon something something

I am stick figure number one

I take it in the jaw

sturgeon eggs something something

You are stick figure number two

the narrator says something about a river

I crumple up the paper and throw it out

you smell nice

but I win

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

You Can't Win

No romance

No Italian poets screaming

Or slow sonatas for broken bones

When you see it

You'll know

It's the alley cat

And sympathy for the asshole

And it's lonesome for you right now

© 2009 Lee Kitzis