Fuck Santa Claus, I Want Some Latkes (Hanukkah Poem for My Family)

An SUV pulls up
there’s a giant menorah on top
five Orthodox Jews get out

they pile into the abandoned bus stop
and pull out cigarettes

they smoke
in their yarmulkes
and probably aren’t talking Torah

it is the third day of Hanukkah

this is the best gift I could get

and the best gift I could give

as Santa Claus farts in the wind

and the snow melts

as families sing songs
about god and struggle and joy

and Atheists order Chinese food
and play internet poker

I say a small silent amen

for you

for chain-smoking Jews

for all eight days

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Cabin Fever in Chicago

It’s -2 degrees outside
I’m going crazy on cheap beer
web comics paranormal television shows
2-star movies

I eat a carrot

what to write

Chicago in January

a turd in the freezer

I’ve got white boy blues
wine-in-a-box Good Will Hunting down-and-outs

I’m out of carrots

I check the fridge
some sauce
red

I wish I had a bard’s soul

I just have a Jew’s stomach

and a Hills Brothers coffee can

filled with Vicodin and change

sometimes I fantasize I’m stupid enough
to buy the shit I see on T.V.

I’d line my room w/ Obama coins

and Shamwows

call my mom in Alexandria, Virginia

tell her what I got

but I’m not

I’m just a guy with the white boy blues

a Jew stomach

the wine-in-a-box down-and-outs

in a 2-star love story called

My Carrots Left Me

in Chicago

in January

a turd in the freezer

and some sauce
red
in the fridge

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

27 Going on 50

I’m 27 years old and I’ve accumulated far too many gray hairs

I’m afraid of everything
women
power lines
flights to Cincinnati
kabuki masks
gentiles
tornadoes
centipedes
bicyclists
police sketches
spinach
the elderly

I tried Buddhism
but couldn’t breathe right

I overanalyze my relaxation tapes

I don’t trust my bank

or anybody in rush-hour

I mix my salads with scotch
and my tacos with tea

27 going on 50

and I haven’t even lived like Bukowski

just a Jew
whose grandfather took him to a Baptist-Evangelist church
at age 9
and confused the shit out of him

and now he’s an Atheist

at 27 going on 50

looking back at 9
and forward to a good drink

to forget it all

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

snot n' haiku stuffins

Sorry 'bout the hiatus folks. You'll be happy to know I have my own internet connection now. No more masturbating at the window for this guy!
Lessee, what's new. Have a murderous cold. As a result, on just a few hours of sleep. Kids coughing in my face all day long will do that.
Me and Kid Douche went to the Horseshoe on Sunday. It's relatively new but it is in the Hammond, Indiana area. So give it a year til it looks like shit. My only real complaint is that everything's on one floor and the poker room is all the way in the back. So you have to walk through an abyss of slot sleeze and ugly cocktail waitresses before you make it there. The poker room was nice though. Tall ceilings and done up in an old-west motif.
Played the 3/6 limit game and finished ahead about 15 bucks. Which means after the rake and tips I broke even. Yay. But hey, that's casino poker.
Keeping with the haiku theme, here're two of my faves:

Even at the time
When my father lay dying
I still kept farting.

-Yamazaki Sokan (1464-1552)

My span of years
Today appears
A morning-glory's hour.

-Arkida Moritake (1472-1549)

Your sickly Jew -Lee

Christmas Contemplations From a Half-assed Jew Looking Out His Window

I taste zinc in my mouth for some reason

and am thinking about moving to Thailand

outside it’s Christmas

and everyone’s waiting for the ham and the noose

Howie Mandel’s still on television

and the dead are still piling up in Basra

but at least we have wreaths

and a few tight pussies left

that’ll save the world

Merry Christmas

from me
the Chinese

and Jesus in a bunker in Fallujah

playing Stratego

and waiting

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

To a Woman

I

We’ll drive a Volvo
to Buckingham Fountain

drink rose
and eat cheese made by monks
that killed themselves over 200 years ago

while dogs bark
and your nipples soften

There will be fireworks
for some reason

mostly bottle rockets
kids are launching at us

I will read Donne

and you will say
who’s Donne?
and give me a relationship quiz

I will get a 95
and masturbate later that night
feeling proud that we were so compatible

II

I will wait two days
and then call you

I will leave a message
and make my voice sound deep
like a 95

It will involve me laughing nervously
and talking about deep-dish pizza

It will last three minutes

half-way through
I will forget to keep my voice deep
and sound like a nasally Jew

I will analyze the message in my head
over and over

I will get three new gray hairs

You will drink mojitos

and masturbate
later that night
thinking of Skeet Ulrich
for some reason

III

Five days pass
and I will erase your number from my phone

You will decide to try myspace
and meet a fifth-level Palladin warlord

he will beat my score
and ask you to move into his studio in Pilsen

You will make wine together

and smoke Camel wide-filters

You will have a cat named Charlie Parker

and a dog named Shit-head

and life will be grand

in a point system

out of 500

© 2008 Lee Kitzis