My Days are Spent (for Joanna)

My days are spent
around Japanese businessmen
assholes from Oklahoma
trophy wives
the homeless
all of which
would be better off in a mud-hut in Sri Lanka
or as a haiku poet in the Himalayan mountains
or the hills of North Carolina
finding love
in a back-up catcher
for the Durham Bulls
my days are spent like this
when I’m not lying awake
waiting for the next
asshole from Oklahoma
and for some reason
I wouldn’t trade it
for all the nice guys in Duluth
or you
and when I have the next bum
yelling in my ear
I might think about your sun-dress
or your bi-polar Polish mother
and miss you a little
until he gets his pint of gin
and takes off
and I’ll feel better
and that’s how my days are spent
long
and fine

© 2007 Lee Kitzis

follow-up to poker haiku

so, after plugging away for some time i managed to dig myself out of the bad beat mire to make...are you ready?...drum roll please...30 cents!

"congratulations lee! you've grinded your way through a field of hundreds! what are you going to do with the money?!"

"well, chip! it's tough. i'm deciding between a bag of 25 vitners cheeze kurls or a postage stamp."

"well, lee. we're very proud of you and can't wait to have you back to be the object of every donkey's suck-out."

"i can't wait either, chip! i can't fucking wait!"

poker haiku written on a very bad day

Wake up with aces

go to bed with dick in hand

and the cable bill

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

snot n' haiku stuffins

Sorry 'bout the hiatus folks. You'll be happy to know I have my own internet connection now. No more masturbating at the window for this guy!
Lessee, what's new. Have a murderous cold. As a result, on just a few hours of sleep. Kids coughing in my face all day long will do that.
Me and Kid Douche went to the Horseshoe on Sunday. It's relatively new but it is in the Hammond, Indiana area. So give it a year til it looks like shit. My only real complaint is that everything's on one floor and the poker room is all the way in the back. So you have to walk through an abyss of slot sleeze and ugly cocktail waitresses before you make it there. The poker room was nice though. Tall ceilings and done up in an old-west motif.
Played the 3/6 limit game and finished ahead about 15 bucks. Which means after the rake and tips I broke even. Yay. But hey, that's casino poker.
Keeping with the haiku theme, here're two of my faves:

Even at the time
When my father lay dying
I still kept farting.

-Yamazaki Sokan (1464-1552)

My span of years
Today appears
A morning-glory's hour.

-Arkida Moritake (1472-1549)

Your sickly Jew -Lee

FRANK CALIENDO HAIKU EXPLOSION! WINNER! AHHHH!

After one on-the-record vote and one off-the-record vote (bringing the total to a whopping two) we have a winner in the FRANK CALIENDO HAIKU EXPLOSION! contest:



Haiku for Frank Caliendo

Fat Shatner
fat Al Pacino

Fat Barkley!

© 2008 Lee Kitzis



Thank you to all who voted and go fuck yourself Frank Caliendo.

My Roommate/My Muse

There’s something beautiful and mysterious
about the whole thing

when you leave your period stains
on the toilet seat

or try to convince me
why I need to pay most of the gas bill

there’s a poem in there
somewhere

when you leave rice
on the floor for three weeks

or I come home
to the sound of Pink Floyd
and fat people sex

there’s something beautiful and mysterious
about the whole thing

When you tell my friends to get out
even though the lease
is in both of our names

or leave crusted rice
all over my good scotch glass

or drink my tonic water

or drink my beer

or accuse me
of going through your things
when I ask for a piece of dental floss

there’s a beautiful and mysterious poem in there somewhere

like Walt Whitman

or John Donne

or the mysterious haiku poets
of ancient Japan

that inscribed their poems on mountain tops

and were inspired by the clouds

there’s a poem in there somewhere

just for you

when I find your hair
in the bathtub drain

or the sink

or the couch

or my clothes

or you show me
those beautiful drawings you do

which consist of zigzags
and squiggly lines
and crumpled up pieces of toilet paper

I want to go to the mountaintops

and shout your name

like the ancient haiku poets
of Japan

I want to shout a beautiful and mysterious poem

that I just haven’t found yet

just for you

my roommate

my muse

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

FRANK CALIENDO HAIKU EXPLOSION!

Hey all. So I need your help. My buddy Mr. Kid Douche and I were hanging out. Very foul mood on account of the Cubs Cubbing it up as they usually do. Got on the topic of Frank Caliendo. Easily one of the most unfunny and untalented pieces of shit to ever walk the face of the earth (along with everyone else associated with MADtv). Not much to say other than a funny Caliendo-ripping session occurred, out of which I’ve written two haikus. Can’t decide which one I like more. Need help. Vote in the comments section. Majority wins of course. Very Best. –Lee

(inspired by and dedicated to Kid Douche)

Haiku for Frank Caliendo #1

Lotus blossoms bloom
the grasshopper jumps higher

Fat Al Pacino

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Haiku for Frank Caliendo #2

Fat Shatner
fat Al Pacino

Fat Barkley!

© 2008 Lee Kitzis