Magicland

Wake up

get the days Accuweather

-40 degrees with a -40 dollar bank account

eggs
sunnyside up
two slices of buttered (margarined) toast
cup of Eight o’ Clock Coffee

My brother just got promoted to trader
I’m happy for him

he was always the mathematical go-getter in the family
I was always the writing masturbator

I should pitch a sitcom to The U
Lee and Dan

“Lee! Did you eat all my cottage cheese?!”
“You can’t change me.”

(laugh track)
(cancelled)

I thought there was some magic in the city
when I was 16

I turned 27
and realized the magic
is pigeons

Chicago is a frozen hell in January
with trapper hats ugg boots aggressive homeless people

so I stay in my apartment
in a fantasyland of summer

as the pigeons crap pixie dust outside

I’m 27

when I was 16
I thought there was some magic in the city

I was also a virgin living with my parents

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Jake Dunne

It happened the other day

I took the Blue Line to work
it stalled as it usually does
between Clark and Washington

To my left was your token homeless guy
smelling like chili and armpits
and muttering obscenities to himself

You never see any polite schizophrenics
“Please be quiet.” “I don’t want to talk about it.”

To my right someone had graffitied
“Jake Dunne sucks dick”
in the subway tunnel

I couldn’t be mad at them
for that person to take the time and extreme risk
of sneaking into the subway tunnel and strategically
writing that where every passerby stalled on the Blue Line
between Clark and Washington could read it
I figure Jake Dunne must in fact be
the dick suckinest of dick suckers
to ever walk the face of the earth

My day was your average museum workday
filled with ice cream sandwiches mice and ugly families

by the time the 4:40 Metra to Millennium Station
arrived to take me home I was beat

I got on and opted for the car to my left
since it was close to empty

The reason for this I quickly discovered
was because someone had either crapped their pants
or thrown a dirty diaper into the waste bin

the smell of feces instantly stung my nostrils

I still didn’t wanna deal with the crowd in the car to the right
so I sat as close to the back as possible in order to not be
at ground zero of the smell

On the ride back I looked out the window
and thought of Jake Dunne
somewhere out there right now
he was being the dick suckinest of dick suckers
to ever walk the face of the earth

I was proud of him

he was good at something

and if he reads this

or ever gets stalled
between Clark and Washington
and looks to the right

he’ll know

and it’ll be a dick suckin’ shitty day

for him too

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

comcast

"Pizza's here!"

"Oh, thank god. That smells delicious."

"That'll be 20 dollars."

"But the coupon says one medium pizza for 10 dollars."

"Yea but we charge 10 for delivery."

"Oh, okay. No one said anything about that but here ya go."

"Thanks. But it's actually $24.95. Surcharges and all."

"Oh...hm...alright. Well, here's four and some change."

"Thanks. Have a good one."

"You to-Hey! There's no pizza in here!"

"Oh, really? That's weird. Well, just hang tight. I'll send another guy out with the pizza."

"Wow. You sure do suck Comcast."

"Yeah. Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahahahaaaaa..."

"..."

"..."

"Get off my porch."