All my favorite baseball players
are fat and dead
I wish I could apologize to the girlfriends I had at 19
I tasted like cigarettes and didn't know where the clitoris was
I still don't entirely
But age has taught me to try
I have a vague idea
like remembering an AOL password
or the name of that restaurant in Spain we went to
the second day of our honeymoon
I have a wonderful wife, I have a wonderful daughter,
I want for nothing but scotch I can't afford
No TV studio would buy my story
I asked the doctor if I can continue eating out of a trash can
He said no and recommended 5 ounces of notebook paper
and 20 gallons of water a day
If you season it right it's fine
I lied
it isn't
Sometimes I eat cold pizza after 11pm
I convince myself it's a smaller piece when I record the calories
don't tell Doctor Stevens
The other day I made a Seinfeld reference
to the 21-year-old cashier at the liquor store
she stared at me blankly
I've still got that edge baby
© 2023 Lee Kitzis
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