For Erik and Courtney

I once called you the worst Buddhist ever

and I meant it
in the best possible way

it’s Thanksgiving
and I’m working

surrounded by weird Europeans Koreans the suicidal
Gary, Indiana’s finest drive-in accidents in Wal-Mart jeans

thinking of your limitless compassion

and being thankful for that

and Courtney’s limitless patience

which you should be thankful for

because there are not many girls

that would see a 6-ft-6 Danish Buddhist

w/ nothing on
but a dirty bathrobe
and a beer in hand

and stick around

but w/ Jesus in her heart
and a couple screwdrivers
she did

for 3 years

and then she married you

so this Thanksgiving

I say hallelujah for you Courtney

and hallelujah for you Erik

and hallelujah for you Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Todd
whatever your name is

you work in mysterious ways

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Fuck Santa Claus, I Want Some Latkes (Hanukkah Poem for My Family)

An SUV pulls up
there’s a giant menorah on top
five Orthodox Jews get out

they pile into the abandoned bus stop
and pull out cigarettes

they smoke
in their yarmulkes
and probably aren’t talking Torah

it is the third day of Hanukkah

this is the best gift I could get

and the best gift I could give

as Santa Claus farts in the wind

and the snow melts

as families sing songs
about god and struggle and joy

and Atheists order Chinese food
and play internet poker

I say a small silent amen

for you

for chain-smoking Jews

for all eight days

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Alone in a Conference Room on a Sunday Afternoon

I spilled ramen on my lap

Hung over and too tired to do anything about it
I looked at it

It looked like someone blew their brains out
all over my khakis

Then I looked up

There was no god there to tell me why

Just a cheap cardboard ceiling

and 4 hours left on the clock

it was a quiet
little suicide

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Holding Clipboards, Holding my Farts in

Day after Thanksgiving
and they've got me in the museum membership line

The membership levels are separated into degrees:

Associate's, Bachelor's, Master's, Doctorate

Asshole, bigger asshole, mega asshole, old money

I have my back to the wall
so no one can see the hole in my pants

I'm a jr. asshole

The skeletal remains of midwestern housewives and men of god
validating their parking

The weight of the world

as I let one go

it escapes through the black hole in my pants

and into the science of things

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Real Facts

They’ve stocked the break room
with old issues of fashion and tabloid magazines

so lunchtime consisted of rice and this

oh and also some Snapple

“Snapple Real Fact: Giraffes have no vocal chords”

Another real fact is that if I hear this Dave Matthews Band
soundtrack to this water conservation movie one more time
I’m going to paper-cut my eyeball with this June 2007 Glamour

All the models are wearing glasses
lips parted and looking to the right

as Dave Matthews pumps out another faux-ballad
I think of them simultaneously shitting
in the woods in the exact same pose

and they say fashion isn’t an art

another real fact is that I have to
operate the flight simulators in 15 minutes

also my boss can’t spell

Right now
there are more fat people in museums
than Sandusky, Ohio

also lunchtime is over

that’s a real fact too

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Dance of Love

While the movie plays
I draw pictures of stick figures fighting each other

the narrator talks about sturgeon
w/ the energy of a disinterested grandfather
reading his grandson a bedtime story

Stick figure number two does a quick leg sweep
to stick figure number one

stick figure number one flips back to his feet
and responds with a roundhouse that misses

sturgeon something something

I am stick figure number one

I take it in the jaw

sturgeon eggs something something

You are stick figure number two

the narrator says something about a river

I crumple up the paper and throw it out

you smell nice

but I win

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

You Can't Win

No romance

No Italian poets screaming

Or slow sonatas for broken bones

When you see it

You'll know

It's the alley cat

And sympathy for the asshole

And it's lonesome for you right now

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

new blog!

writer's block's been pretty bad lately. will get new poems up as soon as i'm out of the funk. created a new blog though: extinguishme.blogspot.com. check them shits out. link under "ribwich enthusiasts."

How to Battle an Army of Elmo Strollers

Carol eats sandwiches in her office

occasionally she’ll poke her head out
and tell me I’m doing a bad job tearing tickets

She plays solitaire on her computer

Thousand Island dressing dribbling down her chin

and she’s right

I am bad at my job

I’m writing this poem

when I should be tearing tickets

and I’m gonna steal her pickle

when she leaves the room

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Life

The wine bottles on my porch

were all good years

and now

they're good ashtrays

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Nine to Five

Belly full of ravioli
and a cigarette out back
before the hammer comes down

Taxed to death
awake in a dust-filled room

insomniacs and bus drivers
with holes in their shoes

Stealing hours like bread

while WASPs with gumball machine teeth
pump seed into corpse-skinned ex-debutantes

your wallet hammered to a cross

somewhere in North Carolina

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Angela of St. Mary's

I

Blood on the doorknob
Blood in the wastebasket
Piss on the floor

The smell of vomit
and vending machine coffee
and the cross everywhere

They pump me full of morphine
while a Chinese lady thanks Jesus
on the intercom

They ask me if I have a church preference

My heart hurts

No
I tell them

I piss in a jug

while Jesus watches
crucified
and an elderly lady babbles
behind the curtains across from me

I like the nurse tending to me

She is very pretty

she tells me I have nice veins

When she leaves
I smell lavender

I could stay there all day
full of morphine
smelling her
next to a jug of my own piss
with a crucified Jesus watching me

Six hours later
the doctor tells me
there's nothing wrong
it's probably just a muscle strain

He writes me a prescription for Ibuprofen

and I leave
the smell of lavender
with a hurting heart

II

I have a beer
while I wait for my prescription

The bartender walks over
she sees the patch on my arm
the strap to her tank top falls
she lifts it up

"Did you get your flu shot today?"
she asks

"No" I tell her
"I was in the ER"

"Oh my god!
What for?!"

"Nothing.
It was a false alarm."

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

The Customers

The customers come in

they throw popcorn

and candy wrappers

all over the floor

used cigarette butts

little ice cream “Nibs”
smeared across the carpet

salt and pepper packets

cups with the ice spilled over

used napkins hot dog buns Sugar Babies

they complain about the sound

they complain about the temperature

but mostly
they complain about the mice

the mice that eat
the popcorn the ice cream
the hot dog buns the Sugar Babies

the mice that sniff the cigarette butts

and decide they don’t want them

The customers come in

and the customers leave

The mice stick around

they never get tired

of Harry Potter 6

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Life Lesson

When I was 9-years-old
I wrote Service Merchandise
a single-spaced one-page letter
asking for a free G.I. Joe

They wrote me back
two weeks later
saying they could not give me
a free G.I. Joe
but perhaps I could get my
parents to purchase one for me
Service Merchandise has very affordable G.I. Joes

Fuck Service Merchandise
I thought

5 or 6 years later
they went out of business

Good
I thought

I wrote Amoco
for a pack of cigarettes

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Death and Ice Cream

When I got to work
there was a fire truck parked outside

there were firemen
surrounding a pair of old legs
in old stockings

people gathered around

half of them wanted to see her face

the other half wanted ice cream
from the stand next to her

There was nothing the paramedics could do

They were gone

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Harry Potter

Working the night shift at the museum
I've never wanted a drink more in my life

It's the Omnimax late show of Harry Potter
which means we get two groups

Kids in Marilyn Manson t-shirts
and adults who can't cope with reality

A 300 pound Chinese guy tells me he needs to use the washroom
I tell him he should exit at the top
he says he'd prefer to exit at the bottom

before the words "I bet" could come out of my mouth
he's out the bottom door

All the villains look predictable
there's the kid who looks like Blade Runner
the guy who looks like David Bowie did it with the Toxic Avenger
Helena Bonham Carter looks like Helena Bonham Carter with bad teeth

I like that the bad guys win though
not because I'm a jerk
but because I hate children
and like watching the loss of hope in their little eyes

and I'm sure they'll make another one where they find the thing that does the thing and the clouds part and light shines through and Daniel Radcliffe is 37-years-old

but until then

it's martini time somewhere
far away from Hogwarts

and I've never wanted a drink more in my life

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Change of Seasons

There's a girl downstairs
she plants flowers everywhere
they line her porch
red purple yellow

my roommate and I
have a brick a shovel and three whiskey bottles
filled with cigarette butts

when her flowers die
in the winter

we'll still have
our brick and our shovel

only this time
we'll have four whiskey bottles
filled with cigarette butts

even though
her porch will be empty
it'll still look nicer

She's the prettiest girl I've seen
in a long time

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

The Way it Goes

First they'll take your arms

then they'll take your legs

they'll put you on overtime

tell your torso to pick up the pace

but you have no arms
and you have no legs

so they fire you

you somehow make it home

there's nothing on T.V.

and nothing to eat

your eyes fall out

your stomach collapses

when they find you

you're all heart

the landlord dusts the place
and raises the rent

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Museum

I

There is a section of the museum
called The Idea Factory

it is a fountain
with balls in it

they never clean the water
so the balls end up floating in filth

I smell it
on the walk to my post

every idea before me

II

My insomnia was acting up

I managed to fall asleep in the breakroom

Two of my co-workers came in

one screamed "Aw shit! Lee's gettin' some z's!"

She slammed her locker and left

I made some coffee

III

There is a life-size astronaut
with its face cut out

thousands of people have put their faces in there

It's disgusting

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

no poems but this was funny

i was watching a special on msnbc. it was on marijuana in the u.s. they profiled this guy who was one of the biggest pot smugglers in the country. he made millions upon millions of dollars. the feds busted him after he left one of his notebooks behind at a denny's.

Writer's Block

A seagull flies low

carrying itself by the span of its dirty gray wings

then it disappears

I’m horny

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Ride On

I saw a man riding around on a Rascal

he weighed 450 pounds and had a t-shirt on

on the back of this shirt was a hazard sign
with the words "Toxic Fumes Below"

Below that sign was an arrow pointing down to his butt-crack

He was like two bears fighting in a snow globe

beautiful and stupid

there was no way to capture it

so I gave up

and thought sexual thoughts

hating my body for lacking focus

while he gorged on Italian beef and Breyers ice cream

pumping quarters into a Majestic Star slot machine

The greatest poems

are the ones that can't be written

I guess that's why poets are compulsive masturbators

and poems are dead of diabetes at 34

I guess a lot of beautiful and stupid things

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

I Met a Southern Man

I met a Southern man today
he had his polo shirt tucked in
a trophy wife and bandages all over his face

he was not very nice
so when he finished riding the flight simulator
I pulled the lever to release his harness
without telling him to put his head back

It caught him right on the chin

his glasses fell off

it felt good

Like a cold vodka martini

on a rainy summer day

The next guy was from Cleveland

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

The Art Show

There were pictures of vaginas

and sculptures of vaginas

there was a fire pit in back

people roasted hot dogs and s’mores
and talked about the vaginas they were working on

Someone made a glistening wieners crack

everyone laughed

there was silence

then a woman mentioned her muff

“I don’t shave,” she said

she had a vagina on the wall

$135

You’re not gonna sell your pussy that way, I thought

I’m such a dick

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

oldies

posted a couple oldies below. goin' through a bit of the writer's block.

yeah, i know. these misanthropic masturbation ramblings actually come from somewhere.

to all 3 of my fans: enjoy!

Guarding My Post at the Retardation Station

The terrorists have attacked my skull
w/ a Lithuanian vodka hangover

while the pretty girls in Ugg boots
shake their asses

imagining sad songs
and grocery store magazines

I need a haircut
I need a shave
I need a glass of water and a good Jewish girl

I have no money

and the children on television
don't seem that adorable to me

God is tossing grenades at brown people

as the president laughs like a monkey out of breath

so that was my day

pass the peas

© 2007 Lee Kitzis

My Days are Spent (for Joanna)

My days are spent
around Japanese businessmen
assholes from Oklahoma
trophy wives
the homeless
all of which
would be better off in a mud-hut in Sri Lanka
or as a haiku poet in the Himalayan mountains
or the hills of North Carolina
finding love
in a back-up catcher
for the Durham Bulls
my days are spent like this
when I’m not lying awake
waiting for the next
asshole from Oklahoma
and for some reason
I wouldn’t trade it
for all the nice guys in Duluth
or you
and when I have the next bum
yelling in my ear
I might think about your sun-dress
or your bi-polar Polish mother
and miss you a little
until he gets his pint of gin
and takes off
and I’ll feel better
and that’s how my days are spent
long
and fine

© 2007 Lee Kitzis

The Music

It isn't all bad

Sometimes there are unseasonably cold nights

where the mariachi band packs up

and you can hear the last notes

tired gasps

serenading the rats

and then it's over

and you feel good

with your half-assed Bloody Mary

V-8, vodka and your roommate's Worcestershire

It isn't all bad

Sometimes the best nights are the coldest

and the best drinks are the worst

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Lady on the Bus

She talked about different summer hats

she couldn’t wait to see her brother in Wisconsin

“I’m worried I’ll miss my train”

It was a five minute ride to the station

her train was leaving in 30 minutes

“You’ll be fine” I said

“My name’s Lisa”

she extended her hand

she had aged terribly

A Seventh-day Adventist
A meth-head

“Steve”

we shook

I imagined I was cupping the breasts of a beautiful Czech lady

“God I’m really worried” she said

She had thick glasses

She had a brother in Wisconsin

the Czech girl smiled

then left

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

100 posts

I was at my second job the other day. A soul-crushing piece of shit line of work we'll call The Sports Authority.

It was the middle of the day. The sun was shining. It smelled like B.O.

I lifted up my right arm and took a whiff. Nothing but freshness.

Lifted up my left. It smelled like a fat guy's bed sheet.

Somehow I had managed to get out of the shower swipe my right pit and leave it at that.

I'm 28 years old and my brain is a fried egg. But I am still spry enough to count.

100 posts.

Keep to my right.

Dumbass Ex Machina

Mike’s got a thick Chicago accent

He’s about as Southside as a gimp in Boys Town

“It’s 9 A.M. and all you guys are eating breakfast.”

No one looked up

“Do you know how much that costs the museum?”

Someone crunched into a Dorito

“Lessee 4 dollars for the half-hour times 7 people
that’s 28 dollars a day 7 days a week that’s 196…”

The number came out to something

Mike waited and then he left

60 thousand dollars a year
right out the door

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Haiku Based on a Guy I saw at Work

Went to space

couldn't take the stairs

McGriddle

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

My New Job

I asked the manager if I could use the washroom

he said no
there's no one here to cover you
you'll have to hold it in

it's the Sports Authority
angry lesbians
humorless ex-jocks
returns
things beeping
more returns

he came back two minutes later
said he had found someone

great I said

an ugly Frida Kahlo look-alike came to the register

her breasts were hanging out

she had socks
and two ugly sisters

she was loud

it was all wrong

just then my relief showed up

and I was allowed to use the bathroom

please Frida

tuck your tits back into your blouse

and paint me a picture
better than this

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Honors

Anybody that knows me
knows I'm the Detroit Lions of work ethic

so when they called an Employee of the Month meeting
I was less than thrilled

Her name was Laura
she passed post-it pads around to all the employees

The top read "Thank You"
there was a "To" and "From" section

She let everyone know
they could write them to themselves

I thought about using the whole pad
for self-congratulatory notes

then she went through the 3 levels of employee honors

the highest
was the Carl Friedenberg Employee of the Year Award

I don't know who Carl Friedenberg is
so I assumed he was either dead
or living with his mother

"Well, that's it" she said
"Just to let you know it's my last day."

there was a collective "awwwww"

"yeah I was part of the lay-offs"

there was a collective silence

She laughed

No Carl Friedenberg for her

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

For the Kids

I pitched my new children's book idea to my friend Ian today and he dug it.

It would be called Everyone Dies.

Like Everyone Poops it would have pictures to go with the examples. There would be "Your Grandma" with a picture of your dead grandma. "Your Postman" with a picture of your dead postman. "Some Guy at the Greyhound Station" with a picture of a dead guy on a bench at a Greyhound station. Finally there would be "You" with a picture of a child coffin.

Ian and I both laughed at this because we're sick.

Happy Mother's Day.

A Simple Poem About Girl Scout Cookies (for Ian)

Ian and I drank a lot of gin
and then we went to an Eastern-themed restaurant
to watch the hockey game

the waiter didn't like us
and the bartender didn't like us

mainly because Ian was wearing a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt
and I hadn't shaved in days

I had a bag of Girl Scout cookies

don't ask me why

and I ate them on the way home

nobody looked at each other on the train

the cream filling in the Lemon Chalets was my favorite

I ate as many as I could on the Blue Line

got off

and left them all behind

the rats were waking up

the people were going home

I stuck the thin mints in the freezer

and felt good

the little things still mattered

I didn't like thin mints

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Old Man in a Texas Longhorns Hat

I used to have a friend
he told me

a German guy

he was a naval officer
in WWII

saw five years of action
in his submarine

He died about a year ago

What of
I asked

he was walking up the steps

fell and cracked his head

87 years old

there was a moment of silence

a child screamed

a pretty girl walked by

neither of us gave a shit

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

ad man

So I was walking back from work today and passed these Snickers advertisements. You've seen 'em. The ones that give you the sudden urge to kill. "Playin' on the Snaxophone." "Come visit the Snaxzeum." "Put some nougat in your Snaxypack." Blahblahblah. Eat a bag of dicks.

Anyway, so i getsta thinking about how I can't believe the assholes that come up with this make like 6x as much as I do. And then I getsta thinking "Hey! I can do that!" And lastly I getsta thinking "Nah. You need to be a shithead to work that job cus you gotta think like a shithead."

However, that didn't stop me from coming up with some alternatives to the current Snickers ads. Here they are. Enjoy.

Fuck you. Have a Snickers.

It's got peanuts. Eat it.

Snickers. 75¢.

Future ad man out.

I'm Off to See Grandma

I'm 30,000 feet in the air

the guy behind me
won't stop kicking my seat

cocktails are 6 dollars

I hate writing poems in public

it's embarrassing

the guy to my right
won't stop staring at me

he's probably thinking

who's this fag tryin' to be

Keats?

10 minutes 'til landing

My allergies are acting up

my stomach too

Thai food and coffee

good idea Lee

Beauty is truth

Here I come New Jersey

it's not my fault

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Retirement Plan

I sift through the change from the Metra machine
to see if any of the coins I got are priceless

I find a nickle from 1956

it's worth five cents

I have a Sammy Sosa rookie card worth eight dollars

that's $8.05

My retirement plan is coming along nicely

a bum stopped me
he said we're going through a recession
I should help him out

I didn't understand
so I said sorry

I hope he gets his promotion

The mice don't care about jobs

I bought peanut butter and mouse traps

they left

that's fine

I'm not a mouse corpse kinda guy

I found a penny from 1942

it's worth 3 cents

that's $8.08

My retirement plan is coming along nicely

I'm the richest guy in the apartment

when my roommate isn't home

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Waiting for Dinner

My old friend beans today
some Italian brand
my dad gave me

I flip between Cops and
King of the Hill
choke down a Steel Reserve

they’re building condos
down the street

“Vision Condominiums” that is

someone threw up next to them

probably one of the sex offenders
from the halfway house next door

Winter just won’t give in to Spring

and the rapists have a sense of humor

The Midwest

has its moments

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Jews vs. Gentiles

I was walking to the blue line
when I saw this group
head bowed in prayer
it was a half-dozen teenagers
and a homeless man
and when they lifted their heads
the homeless man said thank you
and the teenagers blessed him
and walked off smiling
the good lord having blessed one of them
with many back zits
and the rest
with North Face coats
and the homeless man wished them
a happy Easter
and rattled off the names
of any foods he could think of
some of which didn’t even exist
and the kids giggled
and crossed the street
and the sun was shining
even though it was 40 degrees
and the bum ran out of food combinations
and the whole thing was sad
‘til I remembered the piece of pork
stuck in the back of my teeth
and thought of Jesus on the cross
dying for a non-practicing Jew
and some teenagers
and I immediately went home
and flossed
because I’m an Atheist
not an asshole

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Father's Day Poem

I was watching
a special
on MSNBC
on notorious convicts
and they interviewed
this one
who was convinced
his father was preventing
the second coming of Christ
so he slit his throat
then opened up his head
and ate his brains
all while singing
The Battle Hymn of the Republic
and I don’t condone
slitting your father’s throat
and I certainly don’t condone
eating his brains
but I also
didn’t find him
any weirder
than old ladies
buying pickle barrels
at Sam’s Club
or middle-aged men
in golf caps and short-shorts
beer gut hanging
out of an Ohio State
Rose Bowl
t-shirt
paying 5 dollars
to ride the flight simulator
and as I explain
the directions to him
I’ll think of you
you didn’t fuck up
raising me
other than making me
a Cubs fan
and you’re an Atheist
and neither of us
care about the first coming
let alone the second
so this Father’s Day
you can keep your brains
old man
I’m sure Jesus
would’ve wanted it that way

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Cabin Fever in Chicago

It’s -2 degrees outside
I’m going crazy on cheap beer
web comics paranormal television shows
2-star movies

I eat a carrot

what to write

Chicago in January

a turd in the freezer

I’ve got white boy blues
wine-in-a-box Good Will Hunting down-and-outs

I’m out of carrots

I check the fridge
some sauce
red

I wish I had a bard’s soul

I just have a Jew’s stomach

and a Hills Brothers coffee can

filled with Vicodin and change

sometimes I fantasize I’m stupid enough
to buy the shit I see on T.V.

I’d line my room w/ Obama coins

and Shamwows

call my mom in Alexandria, Virginia

tell her what I got

but I’m not

I’m just a guy with the white boy blues

a Jew stomach

the wine-in-a-box down-and-outs

in a 2-star love story called

My Carrots Left Me

in Chicago

in January

a turd in the freezer

and some sauce
red
in the fridge

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

the high life

I've taken to naming the mice in my apartment.
There's:

Huey Lewis
Gay Italian
Einstein (he stays away from the poison)
the Urinator
Squiggy
and Charles Bronson

Yeah, quality post.

Rainy Day Poem

A beautiful blonde
walks her beautiful pit bull
on another shitty spring day in Chicago

a travel show host
eats penises in Japan

50 bucks a month for this

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Work Episode #452, Flight Simulator Dad

Dealt w/ a guy in an I-beat-my-kid crew cut

wanted to know if the gunner did the flying

I told him the gunner did the gunning

he got angry

wanted to know if he needed to operate both controllers

no I told him
the gunner and the pilot have their own controllers

why is he grabbing both of the controls? he asked
pointing to the flight simulator monitor

I don't know I told him

He was even angrier now

John and Julia came to relieve me

and I left him there
in his tight shirt that read "Elmo Club"

Julia or John will tell him to protect the base at all costs

he'll crash into it and say there's something wrong with the machine

there is

the poet does the writing

the poet does the symbolism

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Trusty Muse

Sometimes
I have my hand
elbow deep
in a bag of Cheetos
and wonder
Am I a good poet?

I could explore
the mysteries of being
or the depths of the soul

but then I lick my fingers
and think

Goddamn!
Jalapeno cheese
is way better than flamin' hot!

Fuck you Lord Byron

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Employee of the Month

I was nice to a customer today

I said I'm sorry
there was a computer problem

I said I'm sorry
for the delay

She looked at me

She looked at me
like your Jewish grandmother
looks at black kids

I forgive her

I forgive that big fat piece of peroxide blonde
trailer-trash knock-off leather jacket crap

I was nice to a customer today

Let's see Jesus do better in East Chicago

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Spam

So I got some spam the other day.

The title said: "You will get hard in seconds."

Why does that sound ominous?

Roll Call

Fat faux-Bostonian jagoff with Ray-Bans on and a suede jacket

check

Six-foot-four pederast in a Boy Scout shirt

check

Angry father in a North Face coat and his screaming children

check

Fake-titted cougar

check

Guy who makes ten times more than you
but still refuses to wear deodorant

check

Great
gang's all here

Here's Lee's work schedule

Before we start
I have some sad news to report

Polite guy who clearly understands basic instructions
died yesterday

Yea I killed him

so anyway

go out there and have fun

fart in the simulators
scream at your children
smell like onions
really put forth some effort

you were slacking a little yesterday

one of you left when the Omnimax film was over

fat jagoff
I'm looking in your direction

Alright
I guess that's it

Lee's lunch is at 11:15 today

so make sure you're back by noon

He might leave early

so I'm gonna need one of you to take the train with him

Homeless guy who clearly didn't wipe his ass just volunteered

anything else?
nope?
great
go get 'im

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Tea With Master Douche

Kid Douche on the problem with movie sequels:

"Shitheads that like nu metal. They're still out there.
And they want more Saws."

Caesar Salad

It’s 5:15 in the morning at the Horseshoe Casino

I’ve been grinding away for 12 straight hours
at the 3/6 limit table

Donkeys with Bluetooth headsets
slackjaws Serbian loudmouths
beauty queens playing the game for the first time
the whole spectrum of Tuesday gamblers
comes and goes

Once it gets down to 3-handed and a fat dealer named Roberto
I decide to call it a day

I lost $1

A night like this can’t end any other way

I get on the 5:30 shuttle back to Chinatown
and take a seat towards the back

Nothing lets you know where your life is headed
better than being on a dark bus filled w/ hookers
and elderly Chinese men in windbreakers
at 5:31 in the morning on a Wednesday

I’m a winner
I think

The sound of a container cracking behind me
the smell of Caesar dressing
the lip smacking
the guttural breathing

of course

I try to ignore it
but can’t
I wish I was Buddhist
and not obsessive

then something occurs to me
the lip smacking hasn’t stopped for two straight minutes
the breathing seems to be getting heavier

a female cough and a gag

Now I really wish I was Buddhist

Could the Dalai Lama ignore a guy getting a blow job
while he eats a Caesar salad?

I get up
covering my peripherals
and move even further to the back

I find a seat
and sit down

I’m still a winner
I think

only this time
I have a chance to laugh

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

27 Going on 50

I’m 27 years old and I’ve accumulated far too many gray hairs

I’m afraid of everything
women
power lines
flights to Cincinnati
kabuki masks
gentiles
tornadoes
centipedes
bicyclists
police sketches
spinach
the elderly

I tried Buddhism
but couldn’t breathe right

I overanalyze my relaxation tapes

I don’t trust my bank

or anybody in rush-hour

I mix my salads with scotch
and my tacos with tea

27 going on 50

and I haven’t even lived like Bukowski

just a Jew
whose grandfather took him to a Baptist-Evangelist church
at age 9
and confused the shit out of him

and now he’s an Atheist

at 27 going on 50

looking back at 9
and forward to a good drink

to forget it all

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Poem Written After Smoking a Strong Italian Cigar Too Fast

i took a rocket to the moon
and ended up in gary, indiana

while the homicides homicided

and the poets poeted

bill kurtis read bedtime stories to the president

while jesus snuck out the backdoor

hauled ass to canada
to get his ulcer checked out

i took a rocket to the moon
and ended up tossing ice into a denny’s urinal
at 2:03 a.m.
thankful for work

i took a rocket to the moon

and ended up on the moon

and it was nice

there were no poets

or homicides

just jesus

hiding behind a rock

“that guy scares the shit out of me” he said

“plus it’s a little cold”

i agreed

then the earth blew up
in the name of god

and i poeted this poem about it

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Bombs and Pastries

I awaken at 3 p.m.
to the sound of low-flying fighter jets doing drills

make a cup of Jewel-brand coffee and turn on the T.V.

A talking doughnut is singing a ragtime song
about being a servant of the lord
while 11-year-old kids
with their jeans pulled up to their belly buttons
and white t-shirts tucked in dance along

I go back to bed

nothing’s changed

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Quietly Waiting

Quietly waiting
we go home
to the same meal
and the electricity of our past loves
in a glass of water

and the pigeons don’t know

and the Chinese pervert at the wig store doesn’t know

the meth-head sneaking White Hen coffee
face like stucco

the whores
and the bicyclists

and the slow hands on the clock
of an eight-hour workday don’t know

It makes people mad

you can see it in kindergarten teachers
gas station attendants and trophy wives

cabbies asleep in a Wendy’s parking lot
and Metra attendants on their ritualistic smoke of the day
outside of Millennium Station at 8:15 a.m.

counting the days

‘til payday

while the pigeons

count their crumbs

and all we know

is that we’re quietly waiting

for something other than this

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Failure Zoo

Jerome asks if it smells funny

I say
I can’t smell anything

Oh
he says

I sit back down

so does he

it is Saturday
they’ve run the museum into the ground
so there’s nothing to do

my coffee’s kicked in
so napping’s not an option

just listening
to the AC system in the flight simulators
while Jerome tries desperately to locate
the source of the smell

every few minutes
a slack-jawed tourist
or European w/ a fanny pack on
will peek into the flight simulator room
through a small window at the far end

it is near dark in here
w/ a starry night sky and ocean backdrop
painted on the walls

we are on display
in a failure zoo

we were once lions
w/ young bodies

now we’ve learned
that a cage is a cage
and scraps are scraps

but we still have some battle in us
we still have a little fight

every time we fart on the job

sorry Jerome

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

And the Award Goes to...

The staff meeting was in the Coal Mine Café

9 A.M.
I walk in to thunderous applause

it’s the employee awards

plastic Oscar statues
each engraved w/ “Best Voice Over the Radio”
or “Best Smile” or “Best at Dealing With Angry Customers”

it’s 9 A.M.
as the facilitators call out the nominees’ names
and laugh at Chewbacca jokes

they’re all green team
actors by night actors in green lab coats by day

I’m on the red team
single moms stoner musicians
the stagnating poor

we didn’t win any awards
and left before it was over

there was nobody to thank except ourselves

we made our way back in our wrinkled red dress shirts

It was 9:15 A.M.

and I walked out of the Academy Awards
w/ the best overall

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Wednesday ramble

mind-meltingly bored. burnt myself out on internet poker. only so many times i can have a fat nerd or zit-faced 18-year-old suck out against me to a beach scene back-drop before i look for something else to do. have a staker but the casinos are so damn far away and the weather is shit. don't know how i'm gonna pay rent. don't care. don't feel like writing poetry right now. almost never feel like reading it. the magazines are filled with guys named raymond. poets are obsessed with changing the world with introspective bullshit. everyone's trying to keep their bank account from being overdrawn. verse about your feelings on water with a french symbolist quote in the beginning just isn't gonna do it guys. sorry. one of the main problems with poetry is the reliance on metaphor. just say it assholes. most poets just fart out a metaphor here and a metaphor there. it should be used sparingly. it's like meeting someone for the first time. they start telling you a story. a good story's a good story. it'll engross you as is. if it's some guy throwing metaphors at you you're just gonna mace him in the face and be on your merry way. it happens every day in new york, london, chicago. he falls to the ground. he rubs his eyes. his conclusion: "they didn't get it." sorry. that's a metaphor.

Runner Runner

Two hours of sleep
after a night of tilting

everyone catching runners
against me

as Chicago saw its
worst blizzard in 3 years

my socks are wet
my eyes tired

Being card dead in December
gives you that special feeling

of existential despair
that normally comes post-masturbation

socks wet

eyes tired

I’m running to work

broke

the newspaper lady
at the Metra station yells:

“Happy Friday everyone!”

Lucky girl

She plays Uno

© 2008 Lee Kitzis

Jameson and Swedish Fish was a Bad Idea (Birthday Poem for Brian)

Long night
last night

Five minutes into my workday
Ian dropped his phone

asked me to pick it up

I did

there was a picture of his balls
as the screensaver

he ballphoned me good

One of the old guys
who volunteers
tried to engage me in conversation

He pulled out
his entire arsenal
of senior citizen bullshit

“Museum’s dead”
“Howabout that Blagojevich”
“Went to Disneyland with the family in ‘79”
“Satellite crash”

It is Thursday February 12, 2009

last night
was a long night
of Jameson and Swedish Fish

It was Brian’s birthday

and we ate and we drank

Today
there’s a bipolar Gummi bear
in my stomach

It’s got nowhere to go

like an old guy volunteering

at a dead museum

yammering away

while I try to write a poem for my buddy

The ballphoning never ends

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Family Day

The husband
weighs 4 grams

the wife
weighs 400 pounds

their child
drinks iced coffee

the one today
happened to be Hispanic

but you

and I

have seen them all

we’ve seen them
in Dairy Queen

we’ve seen them at the Loews Cineplex
talking over Lilo and Stitch

we’ve seen them
opening email
because they were told
they should open it
in the title

the one today
was Hispanic

but you and I

have seen them all

the wife wore a cross
between a blouse a mumu and a garbage bag

the husband looked dejected

I told her
her child couldn’t bring his coffee
into the theatre

after 3 times
she finally acknowledged me
with an:
“I heard you!”

they took it in anyway

they always do

It’s Family Day

at the Museum of Science and Industry

the one today
was Hispanic

but you and I
have seen them all

in Mexico
Prague
South Africa
Saskatchewan

all the colors of the rainbow

all over the world

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Magicland

Wake up

get the days Accuweather

-40 degrees with a -40 dollar bank account

eggs
sunnyside up
two slices of buttered (margarined) toast
cup of Eight o’ Clock Coffee

My brother just got promoted to trader
I’m happy for him

he was always the mathematical go-getter in the family
I was always the writing masturbator

I should pitch a sitcom to The U
Lee and Dan

“Lee! Did you eat all my cottage cheese?!”
“You can’t change me.”

(laugh track)
(cancelled)

I thought there was some magic in the city
when I was 16

I turned 27
and realized the magic
is pigeons

Chicago is a frozen hell in January
with trapper hats ugg boots aggressive homeless people

so I stay in my apartment
in a fantasyland of summer

as the pigeons crap pixie dust outside

I’m 27

when I was 16
I thought there was some magic in the city

I was also a virgin living with my parents

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Jake Dunne

It happened the other day

I took the Blue Line to work
it stalled as it usually does
between Clark and Washington

To my left was your token homeless guy
smelling like chili and armpits
and muttering obscenities to himself

You never see any polite schizophrenics
“Please be quiet.” “I don’t want to talk about it.”

To my right someone had graffitied
“Jake Dunne sucks dick”
in the subway tunnel

I couldn’t be mad at them
for that person to take the time and extreme risk
of sneaking into the subway tunnel and strategically
writing that where every passerby stalled on the Blue Line
between Clark and Washington could read it
I figure Jake Dunne must in fact be
the dick suckinest of dick suckers
to ever walk the face of the earth

My day was your average museum workday
filled with ice cream sandwiches mice and ugly families

by the time the 4:40 Metra to Millennium Station
arrived to take me home I was beat

I got on and opted for the car to my left
since it was close to empty

The reason for this I quickly discovered
was because someone had either crapped their pants
or thrown a dirty diaper into the waste bin

the smell of feces instantly stung my nostrils

I still didn’t wanna deal with the crowd in the car to the right
so I sat as close to the back as possible in order to not be
at ground zero of the smell

On the ride back I looked out the window
and thought of Jake Dunne
somewhere out there right now
he was being the dick suckinest of dick suckers
to ever walk the face of the earth

I was proud of him

he was good at something

and if he reads this

or ever gets stalled
between Clark and Washington
and looks to the right

he’ll know

and it’ll be a dick suckin’ shitty day

for him too

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

comcast

"Pizza's here!"

"Oh, thank god. That smells delicious."

"That'll be 20 dollars."

"But the coupon says one medium pizza for 10 dollars."

"Yea but we charge 10 for delivery."

"Oh, okay. No one said anything about that but here ya go."

"Thanks. But it's actually $24.95. Surcharges and all."

"Oh...hm...alright. Well, here's four and some change."

"Thanks. Have a good one."

"You to-Hey! There's no pizza in here!"

"Oh, really? That's weird. Well, just hang tight. I'll send another guy out with the pizza."

"Wow. You sure do suck Comcast."

"Yeah. Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahaha"

"Hahahahaaaaa..."

"..."

"..."

"Get off my porch."