Ride On

I saw a man riding around on a Rascal

he weighed 450 pounds and had a t-shirt on

on the back of this shirt was a hazard sign
with the words "Toxic Fumes Below"

Below that sign was an arrow pointing down to his butt-crack

He was like two bears fighting in a snow globe

beautiful and stupid

there was no way to capture it

so I gave up

and thought sexual thoughts

hating my body for lacking focus

while he gorged on Italian beef and Breyers ice cream

pumping quarters into a Majestic Star slot machine

The greatest poems

are the ones that can't be written

I guess that's why poets are compulsive masturbators

and poems are dead of diabetes at 34

I guess a lot of beautiful and stupid things

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

I Met a Southern Man

I met a Southern man today
he had his polo shirt tucked in
a trophy wife and bandages all over his face

he was not very nice
so when he finished riding the flight simulator
I pulled the lever to release his harness
without telling him to put his head back

It caught him right on the chin

his glasses fell off

it felt good

Like a cold vodka martini

on a rainy summer day

The next guy was from Cleveland

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

The Art Show

There were pictures of vaginas

and sculptures of vaginas

there was a fire pit in back

people roasted hot dogs and s’mores
and talked about the vaginas they were working on

Someone made a glistening wieners crack

everyone laughed

there was silence

then a woman mentioned her muff

“I don’t shave,” she said

she had a vagina on the wall

$135

You’re not gonna sell your pussy that way, I thought

I’m such a dick

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

oldies

posted a couple oldies below. goin' through a bit of the writer's block.

yeah, i know. these misanthropic masturbation ramblings actually come from somewhere.

to all 3 of my fans: enjoy!

Guarding My Post at the Retardation Station

The terrorists have attacked my skull
w/ a Lithuanian vodka hangover

while the pretty girls in Ugg boots
shake their asses

imagining sad songs
and grocery store magazines

I need a haircut
I need a shave
I need a glass of water and a good Jewish girl

I have no money

and the children on television
don't seem that adorable to me

God is tossing grenades at brown people

as the president laughs like a monkey out of breath

so that was my day

pass the peas

© 2007 Lee Kitzis

My Days are Spent (for Joanna)

My days are spent
around Japanese businessmen
assholes from Oklahoma
trophy wives
the homeless
all of which
would be better off in a mud-hut in Sri Lanka
or as a haiku poet in the Himalayan mountains
or the hills of North Carolina
finding love
in a back-up catcher
for the Durham Bulls
my days are spent like this
when I’m not lying awake
waiting for the next
asshole from Oklahoma
and for some reason
I wouldn’t trade it
for all the nice guys in Duluth
or you
and when I have the next bum
yelling in my ear
I might think about your sun-dress
or your bi-polar Polish mother
and miss you a little
until he gets his pint of gin
and takes off
and I’ll feel better
and that’s how my days are spent
long
and fine

© 2007 Lee Kitzis

The Music

It isn't all bad

Sometimes there are unseasonably cold nights

where the mariachi band packs up

and you can hear the last notes

tired gasps

serenading the rats

and then it's over

and you feel good

with your half-assed Bloody Mary

V-8, vodka and your roommate's Worcestershire

It isn't all bad

Sometimes the best nights are the coldest

and the best drinks are the worst

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Lady on the Bus

She talked about different summer hats

she couldn’t wait to see her brother in Wisconsin

“I’m worried I’ll miss my train”

It was a five minute ride to the station

her train was leaving in 30 minutes

“You’ll be fine” I said

“My name’s Lisa”

she extended her hand

she had aged terribly

A Seventh-day Adventist
A meth-head

“Steve”

we shook

I imagined I was cupping the breasts of a beautiful Czech lady

“God I’m really worried” she said

She had thick glasses

She had a brother in Wisconsin

the Czech girl smiled

then left

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

100 posts

I was at my second job the other day. A soul-crushing piece of shit line of work we'll call The Sports Authority.

It was the middle of the day. The sun was shining. It smelled like B.O.

I lifted up my right arm and took a whiff. Nothing but freshness.

Lifted up my left. It smelled like a fat guy's bed sheet.

Somehow I had managed to get out of the shower swipe my right pit and leave it at that.

I'm 28 years old and my brain is a fried egg. But I am still spry enough to count.

100 posts.

Keep to my right.

Dumbass Ex Machina

Mike’s got a thick Chicago accent

He’s about as Southside as a gimp in Boys Town

“It’s 9 A.M. and all you guys are eating breakfast.”

No one looked up

“Do you know how much that costs the museum?”

Someone crunched into a Dorito

“Lessee 4 dollars for the half-hour times 7 people
that’s 28 dollars a day 7 days a week that’s 196…”

The number came out to something

Mike waited and then he left

60 thousand dollars a year
right out the door

© 2009 Lee Kitzis