ad man

So I was walking back from work today and passed these Snickers advertisements. You've seen 'em. The ones that give you the sudden urge to kill. "Playin' on the Snaxophone." "Come visit the Snaxzeum." "Put some nougat in your Snaxypack." Blahblahblah. Eat a bag of dicks.

Anyway, so i getsta thinking about how I can't believe the assholes that come up with this make like 6x as much as I do. And then I getsta thinking "Hey! I can do that!" And lastly I getsta thinking "Nah. You need to be a shithead to work that job cus you gotta think like a shithead."

However, that didn't stop me from coming up with some alternatives to the current Snickers ads. Here they are. Enjoy.

Fuck you. Have a Snickers.

It's got peanuts. Eat it.

Snickers. 75¢.

Future ad man out.

I'm Off to See Grandma

I'm 30,000 feet in the air

the guy behind me
won't stop kicking my seat

cocktails are 6 dollars

I hate writing poems in public

it's embarrassing

the guy to my right
won't stop staring at me

he's probably thinking

who's this fag tryin' to be

Keats?

10 minutes 'til landing

My allergies are acting up

my stomach too

Thai food and coffee

good idea Lee

Beauty is truth

Here I come New Jersey

it's not my fault

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Retirement Plan

I sift through the change from the Metra machine
to see if any of the coins I got are priceless

I find a nickle from 1956

it's worth five cents

I have a Sammy Sosa rookie card worth eight dollars

that's $8.05

My retirement plan is coming along nicely

a bum stopped me
he said we're going through a recession
I should help him out

I didn't understand
so I said sorry

I hope he gets his promotion

The mice don't care about jobs

I bought peanut butter and mouse traps

they left

that's fine

I'm not a mouse corpse kinda guy

I found a penny from 1942

it's worth 3 cents

that's $8.08

My retirement plan is coming along nicely

I'm the richest guy in the apartment

when my roommate isn't home

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Waiting for Dinner

My old friend beans today
some Italian brand
my dad gave me

I flip between Cops and
King of the Hill
choke down a Steel Reserve

they’re building condos
down the street

“Vision Condominiums” that is

someone threw up next to them

probably one of the sex offenders
from the halfway house next door

Winter just won’t give in to Spring

and the rapists have a sense of humor

The Midwest

has its moments

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Jews vs. Gentiles

I was walking to the blue line
when I saw this group
head bowed in prayer
it was a half-dozen teenagers
and a homeless man
and when they lifted their heads
the homeless man said thank you
and the teenagers blessed him
and walked off smiling
the good lord having blessed one of them
with many back zits
and the rest
with North Face coats
and the homeless man wished them
a happy Easter
and rattled off the names
of any foods he could think of
some of which didn’t even exist
and the kids giggled
and crossed the street
and the sun was shining
even though it was 40 degrees
and the bum ran out of food combinations
and the whole thing was sad
‘til I remembered the piece of pork
stuck in the back of my teeth
and thought of Jesus on the cross
dying for a non-practicing Jew
and some teenagers
and I immediately went home
and flossed
because I’m an Atheist
not an asshole

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Father's Day Poem

I was watching
a special
on MSNBC
on notorious convicts
and they interviewed
this one
who was convinced
his father was preventing
the second coming of Christ
so he slit his throat
then opened up his head
and ate his brains
all while singing
The Battle Hymn of the Republic
and I don’t condone
slitting your father’s throat
and I certainly don’t condone
eating his brains
but I also
didn’t find him
any weirder
than old ladies
buying pickle barrels
at Sam’s Club
or middle-aged men
in golf caps and short-shorts
beer gut hanging
out of an Ohio State
Rose Bowl
t-shirt
paying 5 dollars
to ride the flight simulator
and as I explain
the directions to him
I’ll think of you
you didn’t fuck up
raising me
other than making me
a Cubs fan
and you’re an Atheist
and neither of us
care about the first coming
let alone the second
so this Father’s Day
you can keep your brains
old man
I’m sure Jesus
would’ve wanted it that way

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Cabin Fever in Chicago

It’s -2 degrees outside
I’m going crazy on cheap beer
web comics paranormal television shows
2-star movies

I eat a carrot

what to write

Chicago in January

a turd in the freezer

I’ve got white boy blues
wine-in-a-box Good Will Hunting down-and-outs

I’m out of carrots

I check the fridge
some sauce
red

I wish I had a bard’s soul

I just have a Jew’s stomach

and a Hills Brothers coffee can

filled with Vicodin and change

sometimes I fantasize I’m stupid enough
to buy the shit I see on T.V.

I’d line my room w/ Obama coins

and Shamwows

call my mom in Alexandria, Virginia

tell her what I got

but I’m not

I’m just a guy with the white boy blues

a Jew stomach

the wine-in-a-box down-and-outs

in a 2-star love story called

My Carrots Left Me

in Chicago

in January

a turd in the freezer

and some sauce
red
in the fridge

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

the high life

I've taken to naming the mice in my apartment.
There's:

Huey Lewis
Gay Italian
Einstein (he stays away from the poison)
the Urinator
Squiggy
and Charles Bronson

Yeah, quality post.