Haiku Based on a Guy I saw at Work

Went to space

couldn't take the stairs

McGriddle

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

My New Job

I asked the manager if I could use the washroom

he said no
there's no one here to cover you
you'll have to hold it in

it's the Sports Authority
angry lesbians
humorless ex-jocks
returns
things beeping
more returns

he came back two minutes later
said he had found someone

great I said

an ugly Frida Kahlo look-alike came to the register

her breasts were hanging out

she had socks
and two ugly sisters

she was loud

it was all wrong

just then my relief showed up

and I was allowed to use the bathroom

please Frida

tuck your tits back into your blouse

and paint me a picture
better than this

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Honors

Anybody that knows me
knows I'm the Detroit Lions of work ethic

so when they called an Employee of the Month meeting
I was less than thrilled

Her name was Laura
she passed post-it pads around to all the employees

The top read "Thank You"
there was a "To" and "From" section

She let everyone know
they could write them to themselves

I thought about using the whole pad
for self-congratulatory notes

then she went through the 3 levels of employee honors

the highest
was the Carl Friedenberg Employee of the Year Award

I don't know who Carl Friedenberg is
so I assumed he was either dead
or living with his mother

"Well, that's it" she said
"Just to let you know it's my last day."

there was a collective "awwwww"

"yeah I was part of the lay-offs"

there was a collective silence

She laughed

No Carl Friedenberg for her

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

For the Kids

I pitched my new children's book idea to my friend Ian today and he dug it.

It would be called Everyone Dies.

Like Everyone Poops it would have pictures to go with the examples. There would be "Your Grandma" with a picture of your dead grandma. "Your Postman" with a picture of your dead postman. "Some Guy at the Greyhound Station" with a picture of a dead guy on a bench at a Greyhound station. Finally there would be "You" with a picture of a child coffin.

Ian and I both laughed at this because we're sick.

Happy Mother's Day.

A Simple Poem About Girl Scout Cookies (for Ian)

Ian and I drank a lot of gin
and then we went to an Eastern-themed restaurant
to watch the hockey game

the waiter didn't like us
and the bartender didn't like us

mainly because Ian was wearing a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt
and I hadn't shaved in days

I had a bag of Girl Scout cookies

don't ask me why

and I ate them on the way home

nobody looked at each other on the train

the cream filling in the Lemon Chalets was my favorite

I ate as many as I could on the Blue Line

got off

and left them all behind

the rats were waking up

the people were going home

I stuck the thin mints in the freezer

and felt good

the little things still mattered

I didn't like thin mints

© 2009 Lee Kitzis

Old Man in a Texas Longhorns Hat

I used to have a friend
he told me

a German guy

he was a naval officer
in WWII

saw five years of action
in his submarine

He died about a year ago

What of
I asked

he was walking up the steps

fell and cracked his head

87 years old

there was a moment of silence

a child screamed

a pretty girl walked by

neither of us gave a shit

© 2009 Lee Kitzis